


Monster Island Buddies: Episode Fan Fiction

by Lilpurplebird



Category: Godzilla - All Media Types, Monster Island Buddies
Genre: Fan Fiction of Fan Fiction, Gen, Godzilla finds religion apparently, Insanity, Why Did I Write This?, werehuman
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:47:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23681074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilpurplebird/pseuds/Lilpurplebird
Summary: "Werehuman". A self-explanatory legend and an existential crisis. Maybe. Adult language, not for children.
Kudos: 1





	Monster Island Buddies: Episode Fan Fiction

**Author's Note:**

> Rawwrrrr!
> 
> So this is just something silly I thought up of out of nowhere and it wouldn't leave for a few days. Figured this would fit better as a "Monster Island Buddies" fic than just a normal Godzilla parody. Yes, I'm insane enough to make an MiB fic, but I know I'm not the only one. To borrow from Destoroyah: "Fuck you." (Not really, love you guys. But this fic is more-or-less in response to wondering if I'd make more kaiju fics, of which I'mmmmm not telling, but this is still something, I guess. Apparently this takes place before "Destroy All Godzillas".)
> 
> Ha ha, well, hope you'll enjoy! I tried.

For lunchtime at the bar, Godzilla and some of his buddies were chilling with a game of monster pool. It was called such as the billiard balls were about as big as them all, and they had to be split into teams of three to even carry the cue stick. Stupid in practice, but everything's a great idea in one's drunken state of mind, and they would've declined if Gorosaurus was the one who suggested it and not Gamera.

"Oh, my _God_ , you guys, we're in a tag team!" Gigan exclaimed happily behind Megalon, who in turn was behind Varan. "We're gonna win together as a team! You guys? Am I right? Teamwork rules!"

"How did _I_ get stuck with Gigan, again?" Megalon grumbled.

"Shouldn't I, like, be the one to say that instead?" Varan muttered back.

"Kick my brah's ass, Var!" Biollante cheered from the sidelines.

It was a rare sight to see the couple at the bar, but SpaceGodzilla just _had_ to say something about celebrating their group's founding anniversary with drinks and a bottomless buffalo wings basket or something. Oh, and a friendly battle or competition where the winner (or in this case, the winning team) was going to get free tickets to a concert, and Varan got excited.

Godzilla, Jet Jaguar, and Gamera were in another team chalking up their cue tip waiting for Gorosaurus' team (consisting of him, Baragon in front, and Gabara in the back, who butted in because he had overheard about the tickets) to do the break shot. The robot hemmed to himself, "Why're we believing SpaceGodzilla has concert tickets, again?"

" _I_ don't, but I need to get out more," Godzilla said. "I don't know how you guys can live with me if I can barely stand living with _myself_ most days."

"Yeah, see if I'll take you back under my wing again," Gamera wryly recalled.

Mumbling under his breath, Baragon was taking care to calculate his aim, but Gabara was growing impatient. "Jussth hit the ball!" he shouted, trying to take control of the cue stick.

"I want to get at least two balls in!" the burgundy monster stated, fighting back.

"You guys, we have to work together!" Gorosaurus interjected as group leader.

"Givth me the shtick! _Hyouuungh!_ " Gabara brayed.

"No! It needs to be _precise_!"

Enough force was put into the tug-of-war that the cue ball was hit, but it scarcely scraped by the nine-ball rack and rolled into the left side pocket. Some of the onlookers hooted at the sight. "Look what happened!" the dinosaur moaned.

"Alright, guess it's up to us to break it!" Godzilla said excitedly, already in place up front while SpaceGodzilla fished out the ball.

"Godzilla, let me be the frontman," Gamera suggested. "Or, I don't know, let _me_ angle the cue stick for you."

"You're in the back, though," he pointed out. "That's what you _are_ supposed to do."

"Maybe _I_ should shoot," Jet said. "I already have the trajectory calculated."

He barely finished his sentence when Godzilla impulsively hit the ball the moment it was set down in front of him, and the rack cleanly broke. The eight-ball was one of the outside balls and halted close to a pocket, but then a ricocheted striped ball hit it in. "Ooh, tough luck!" SpaceGodzilla tsked, smirking at his half-brother's misfortune.

"Ooh, fizzlesticks!" the robot hissed.

"Wait, we're out of the game already?" the bipedal turtle gasped. "Godzilla, did you even _aim_?!"

The king of the monsters belched. "Oh, sorry, I guess I stumbled there."

"Why're you such a klutz?!"

Gigan hopped in place. "Oh, my God, did we win, you guys? We won, right? Hooray for teamwork!"

"Dudes, it worked!" Varan said in awe, letting out a breathy laugh. "Rubbing my lucky rabbit's foot worked!"

Megalon did a brief double-take. "So is _that_ what happened to the Easter bunny?"

As Varan and Biollante had a victory make-out, Gamera gruffly sighed and threw down his end of the cue stick. Godzilla shrugged it off. "Well, that was fun, I guess. Too bad Rody missed out."

"Are you blaming this loss on _me_?" Gamera growled, feeling a buzzing headache coming on.

"It's not because of _you_ , man. Now if it was _Rodan_ in your place, one flap of his wings would've broken formation."

"Rodan would've suggested beer pong in your place," Jet said. "No offense, Gamera, monster pool just isn't working out for us."

"It was a _brilliant_ idea! You just don't have the artistic vision to see it!" The monster turtle belched and groaned. " _Ugh_ , I'm getting too worked up. I need to get home and lie down for a bit, maybe cry myself to sleep."

Godzilla almost rolled his eyes. "A one-time fluke doesn't mean it's a _horrible_ idea, Gamera. Maybe it just depends on the team."

Gamera scoffed. "Yeah, guess you're right. So that means you're out of the team, Godzilla."

He threw his hands up. "What?! Why me?!"

"Guys, calm down," Jet tried to pacify, stepping in between them. "There's no need to fight over monster billiards."

"Oh, but there's _plenty_ of things to fight over," Gamera sneered, still not breaking eye-contact.

"Oh, _oh_ , you're going to bring up our college days _now_?" Godzilla bellowed. "Look, man, if this is about the time-jumping thing, there wasn't room in the machine for _all_ of us!"

"I still got a sweet acting career out of it. But actually, there was _one_ thing about those days I _still_ haven't forgiven you for, and that was the werehuman prank!"

Jet Jaguar looked between them with disbelief. "What's this about a 'werehuman'?"

Godzilla scratched his snout, aimlessly staring at the ceiling. "Uh... can you refresh my memory? I think the coke binge might've warped it into something else. But I have this strange feeling like I've met a wolf man before."

"No, not _that_ Wolf Man," Gamera huffed.

"What, do you have something again Lon Chaney?"

"No, you're just an idiot."

"Guys, what's a 'werehuman'?" Jet tried to ask, but he was ignored as the turtle scoffed.

"You want to know why you never saw my mom anymore after that party? She got paranoid and had to flee the planet so she wouldn't look at another human ever again!"

"Oh, I thought your mom died. I just didn't want to ask because she just seemed so old, and you didn't talk about her much."

"Being in your two-hundreds isn't _old_ , you prick!"

"That just means she wasn't hot."

"Hey, you guys, can you keep it down?" Gorosaurus came in. "You're triggering an early hangover."

While the two continued to argue and insult each other, Jet Jaguar went over to the dinosaur. "Gorosaurus, what's a 'werehuman'?"

He turned to him in surprise. "You've never heard of it? It's a famous monster legend around these parts."

"Really? I've been here for over forty years, and I've never heard of it."

"You've heard of the werewolf, right?"

Jet quickly went through his archives. "It's a half-wolf, half-man, right?"

"No, it's—"

Baragon interrupted, shaking his head, "No, no, no, the _Wolf Man_ is a completely fictional character by Hollywood. But the _werewolf_ is believed to originate from the Mesopotamian story 'The Epic of Gilgamesh', and was adopted and tweaked a little in European folklore."

"Hey, I was getting to that," Gorosaurus complained.

"So what's a werewolf?" Jet wondered.

"A werewolf is a man who shape-shifts into a wolf during the full moon," the actor explained. "It's like a curse, which can be broken with a silver bullet, or by eating wolfsbane. You also turn into a werewolf if you're bitten by another werewolf, but you have to kill that werewolf to lift the curse. Or is that a vampire?"

"Like a zombie!" Gorosaurus added.

"Ohh, so a werehuman is a man turning into a human?" Jet Jaguar paused, then realized what he said when he glanced over at other patrons in the background. "Wait, dammit!"

Baragon laughed quietly. "No, a werehuman is a monster that transforms into a human at sunrise."

"Why sunrise?"

"The cursed monster has to work a nine-to-five office job."

Jet stared, cast his eyes over at Godzilla and Gamera who were still fighting and it was getting more heated, glanced at the bartender, and then looked back at the reptiles before him. "That's it?" When they nodded, he shrugged. "Well, uh... how do you break the werehuman curse?"

"You can't," they said in unison.

"Not even a silver bullet to the heart?"

"I never said you _have_ to shoot a werewolf in the heart to break the curse," Baragon corrected. "But no, not even with silver bullets. All you can do is infect other monsters until you die from overworking yourself."

"My mommy told me once you had to become a vegan," Gorosaurus spoke up. "Monsters don't eat their greens and never will, so they just overwork themselves to death instead."

"Uh... Mothra eats her greens," Jet pointed out. "Cotton sweaters count, right?"

The dinosaur slowly gasped. "Maybe _she_ was the werehuman of legend!"

"But that's all it is—a _legend_ ," the robot stressed.

"Do you see _other_ herbivores on a regular basis?" Baragon asserted.

Jet paused. "Okay, you got me there. So... how _do_ you become a werehuman?"

"A human bites you."

His head jerked back in shock. "That's it? Just _a_ human?"

He leaned in menacingly, shadows splitting across his face. "Did you know that human mouths are pretty disgusting?"

"But... you said werehumans infect other monsters, too."

"Yeah, they do. But patient zero _always_ gets bitten by a human first."

Some silence passed between them before Baragon started laughing. Gorosaurus joined in a moment later, and Jet managed to let out a nervous chuckle before backing away. Then in mid-laughter, the subterranean reptile turned to his companion. "Hold on, you said 'mommy', didn't you?"

Returning to Godzilla, the robot noticed Gamera had left. "Hey, Godzilla, what's the matter?"

The kaiju looked like the alcohol was finally getting to him, he had a more fatigued expression on his face and he was swaying a bit. "Man, Gamera's such a fucking sore loser. He blames everything else but himself."

"Uh..."

He hiccuped. "Anyway, when he's better, I'll talk to him. I didn't know that about his mom, so it's no wonder he's got abandonment issues."

"...Yeah..."

"So what was it you wanted to know about our werehuman prank, Jet?"

Jet shook his head. "Oh, never mind. I had too much to drink. Think I'm going to go home, maybe go see Hedorah."

"Okay, bud, see you later," Godzilla said, but the robot had turned his back and left the bar. He frowned, then realized he was being footed the bill. "Oh, goddamn it, Jet!"

Soon after with an emptier wallet, he was on his way back home and walked solemnly past some human crowds, but his thoughts remained back at their fight. He really couldn't remember much about that party, their whole college days was full of weed, alcohol, and casual sex that everything blurred together. But he _did_ meet Gamera's mother once when she had visited for some celebration, he recalled simultaneously chuckling at and being grossed out over her many sags, realizing that was what his roommate was going to look like in a hundred-plus years. He had taken a hit with a bong or something before everyone came over, and he had a feeling some human was somewhere in the crowd.

Not that he hated humans, but it _was_ someone he didn't particularly like, so he had wanted to "frame" the human as well as lighten the mood. So he slipped through into the kitchen area where Gamera's mother was fetching some more snacks (or was making sweets), jumped on her back, said articulately, "Nothing personnel, MILF," and then bit her neck. When Gamera came running in screaming "What the hell are you doing?!", he had answered, "I can't fight my werehuman instincts any longer!" then howled at nothing in particular and ran out of the dorm to terrorize the campus.

Godzilla paused to stare at some graffiti as he reminisced. "...Huh. Just how fucking stoned _was_ I to think she was a MILF?"

Suddenly, he felt teeth sink into his tail, although not by much so it didn't _hurt_ , but it stung. He looked behind him to see a human gnawing on his tail as if it was a corn on the cob, looking like his mind had just snapped. He was not even a hobo like one would think, he had on a suit and tie and his briefcase contents were spilled everywhere.

"Well I'll be damned. I didn't know I could feel that."

And then it hit him—the briefcase did, but so did the situation.

*~*~*

In their living room, Rodan and Mothra were having their afternoon romp. The moth kaiju was somewhat chewing on the pillow while her husband pounded her from behind, trying hard _not_ to set the sofa on fire (again) since burnt leather is a huge turn-off. Also it's embarrassing to confess to the fire department about how it happened, and he didn't want to be featured on "Sex Sent Me to the ER".

" _Here comes Rodaaaan, giant peeenilesaurrrr! Here comes Rodaaaan, deep in Mooothra's corrrre..._ "

And of course Rodan's growling out his theme song, somewhat, being in the heat of the moment.

" _Maharaaa—ah! Ma_ _ **ha**_ _ra Mosuraaa—nn!_ "

Oh, shit, _both_ of them got it in their heads to climax along with their theme songs. And thankfully, the doorbell started ringing wildly before the awkwardness could seep in further.

"Goddamn it, why _now_?!" Rodan grunted, flailing his wings about.

Sighing to herself, Mothra got up and apologetically nuzzled her husband. "I'll get it. It'll be less embarrassing."

Rodan stared before glancing down as she flew over to open the door. The sight of Godzilla standing there in a nervous sweat took her by surprise. "Oh, my, you don't look so good."

"Mothra, Rody, you gotta help me!" he said, slightly panting. "You guys are the only ones I can turn to!"

The pterosaur came up from behind his wife with his trademark pissed off glare. "Can't this wait? The sex was just getting good."

"Rody, please, after I got in a fight with Gamera at the bar, a human bit me on the tail, I almost lost my voice screaming and running around, and now I'm going to turn into a werehuman and have to go work in a cubicle for the rest of my life!"

The couple slowly looked at each other in befuddlement before facing their friend again. "What the _fuck_ , Godzilla? Did you get back on drugs?" Rodan asked, exasperated his sexy times with Mothra was interrupted by a drug-fueled fit.

"I couldn't make this up even _on_ crack! Please, you gotta help me!"

"What about MechaGodzilla?" Mothra suggested, though she sounded a little unsure.

"That's why I'm so worn out, I just came from there! I've never seen it look so empty before! Does this need a quick flashback, too?"

"Why're you bragging about coming when you interrupted _me_ coming?" Rodan snapped out, getting antsy.

"Give it a minute, Rodan," Mothra said in aside.

"That's what you said the _last_ time!"

Ignoring him, she then made another indication to Godzilla, "How about Jet?"

"I can't find him anywhere, either, I thought he went home!" Godzilla whined, head in his hands. "I don't know, I'm just freaking out and I don't know what to do!"

Her heart going out to her distressed friend, she patted him on the arm in comfort. "Well, come inside and we'll figure things out. But wipe off your feet and that human, first."

They turned to the man still clinging to the lizard's tail, though he was looking stiff and there was blood around his mouth and shirt.

"He's dead!" Godzilla gasped. "Oh, my God, the rabies must've gotten to him!"

"More like _cancer_ from how cancerous this whole situation is," Rodan huffed.

"Rabies?" Mothra echoed. "Are you _sure_ it's rabies?"

"Well why _else_ do humans bite unprovoked?" Godzilla said with a shrug.

"Then why the hell are you going on about 'werehuman' shit?!" Rodan shouted, starting to flip out as well.

After peeking around the corner with a head, their son, King Ghidorah, slinked into the living room. "Oh, you finished having intercourse with each other?" the three heads gave a relived sigh in unison.

"No, your mother just got distracted," the pterosaur insisted, shooting a leer at Godzilla who gave him an odd look as well.

"Well, uh... I need to make lunch _now_ or my blood sugar level's going to drop. The General offered to get lunch, but he's gonna be out a bit longer. So... can you make it quick?"

"Can't you guys do it in the privacy of your own bedroom?" the lizard wondered.

"The living room's the farthest from his room, and General has cameras installed in the basement," was Rodan's claim. "Ghidorah psychic links and public indecency laws have been sucking all of the fun out of it. Mothra's been liking the attention, though."

Mothra giggled a little. "Oh, it's not like that."

Face faulting in horror, Godzilla gestured at the furniture. "...But... _everyone_ sits on that couch."

"But the bedroom's a good idea, Godzilla," she suddenly said a little hurriedly. "Most of my things are up there anyway, so let's get you looked at."

"Oh, Mother, Father, _please_ don't," their son cried. "You're already copulating thrice a day, don't add more to it."

Rodan put his wing around his necks. "Son, worry not about what your mother and I do. Where do you get these crazy ideas from, anyway? I _knew_ getting you that computer was a bad idea!"

" _I_ was the one who built it, Father," King Ghidorah informed.

"I don't care if it was Charles Babbage's brain, show me your search history! My son's _not_ going to grow up to be NTR'd!"

"Rodan, are you coming or not?" Mothra asked firmly.

Rodan swung around eagerly. "I thought you'd never ask, sweetheart!"

"Not _that_."

He roared in frustration. "Your timing fucking sucks, Godzilla!"

Entering the bedroom, Godzilla took in the numerous candles, cushions, trinkets, some statues, and other new age stuff he never understood. His eyes fell upon an odd drawing of a moth silhouette surrounded by seven statements (as written in kanji). A green checkmark was inked next to "Three Dragons".

"Hey, what you got here?" he inquired, following a line downward.

Mothra quickly shooed him away toward the circle of cushions and kicked the poster behind a bureau. "Okay, Godzilla, slowly lower the body."

He had to shake the corpse off of his tail, and the three of them stared down at the man's blissful blood-smeared face. "So why did this human bite you just to die?" Rodan questioned suspiciously.

"I don't know, I was just trudging home from the bar, and suddenly I felt something nibbling on me," he relayed his story. "The guy looked like he just dropped everything for a bite, and he wouldn't let go like he superglued his teeth on me or something."

"How long ago was this?" Mothra asked. "He hasn't been dead for even an hour."

"Thirty minutes, I think?"

"If this was a hobo, you wouldn't have come interrupt us because you'd be dead from rabies," Rodan said gruffly.

Godzilla snorted. "Mothra, does the guy have rabies, or no?"

Studying what little life force there was from the body, she shook her head. "No, this guy was just... normal."

"Biting a monster's tail is _not_ normal!" he declared, starting to freak out again. "This _normal_ guy had himself a _normal_ job someplace and he did an _abnormal_ thing!"

"So is that why you think you're turning into a werehuman?"

"Yeah, funny that Gamera brought that up just minutes before my tail became this guy's lunch!"

"A prophet tells prophetic things. Shocker," Rodan sarcastically said.

Humming to herself, Mothra's antennae drooped. "Well, uh... I don't know what else to say, Godzilla. This is new to me."

"Why couldn't it have been Kong or Gorosaurus who got their tails gnawed on instead?" the king of the monsters sniveled. "I don't have the experience to do paperwork, and I'm too much of a klutz for coffee runs!"

"Are you done yet?" Rodan grunted. "My balls have been aching for release since you got here."

"Rody, you're my best friend, you know that?" Godzilla whimpered. "Can you take one for the team and let me do a test bite on you?"

"Fuck off, Godzilla!"

"Please? Just a nibble?"

Mothra stepped in between them. "Godzilla, I suggest you go home. Spend the rest of this time with Minilla and the others."

He paused, thinking back to his household who were none-the-wiser of his predicament. "Yeah... I suppose you're right. How much time do I have left as me?"

"Not short _enough_ ," the pteranodon growled. "We're already ten pages into this crap."

Godzilla solemnly stared down at his feet, unsure what to think of his situation. This was a fate worse than death, he was starting to realize why a lot of humans were so miserable all the time, and he hadn't even begun transforming. His stomach churned, and he groaned in anguish.

Mothra patted his shoulder with a wing. "Hey, cheer up. You're only a human during the _day_. You can come visit us when the sun goes down."

"But eleven-fifty-five is off-limits!" Rodan warned. "It's the only time where I get to hump Mothra well into the next day to feel better about my sexual prowess!"

"You only last for five minutes?" Godzilla asked.

"God _damn it_ , Godzilla, let me have this!"

"Hold that thought," he said, and the nausea caught up to him.

*~*~*

Having already been out visiting Anguirus for the day and happened to be passing by, Minilla helped his depressed and sick father back home, feeling the weight of the news bearing down on him. Godzilla had been crying and whimpering to himself about his predicament, and he didn't know what to do to console him. That was the thing about being the Chosen One, you're only prepared for _one_ destiny, the others just sneak up on you.

"Hey, Dad, if it means anything to you, you can become like an ambassador for Monster Island," he finally made a suggestion, trying to remain optimistic. "If it'll keep less missiles from being launched our way, this sacrifice will not be in vain."

Godzilla was still sobbing to himself. "I'm going to look like an _uglier_ Kong, but _bald_!"

"Is _that_ what you're most bothered about?" his son sighed.

"And even if I _do_ get a human girlfriend, the sex is just not going to be the same. Once you go kaiju, you can't just downsize!"

"Dad, stay focused, please."

He sniffed some mucus back up his nose. "Maybe I'll still be able to grow a beard and join a motorcycle gang, or something to stave off my loneliness."

"This is getting serious. Dad's reaching the acceptance phase fast." Minilla frowned to himself. "Actually, why _wouldn't_ that be a good thing?"

Upon reaching their home, they could see Titanosaurus was standing conspicuously on their lawn and staring into the window. "Oh, damn it," the Chosen One hissed. "Where're the others?"

"Oh, Titanosaurus, did you need something?" Godzilla called, temporarily putting aside his grief.

The dinosaur giggled as he turned away from the window. "Hohohoho! You talkin' to _me_ , Fuzzy Lumpkins? Hohohoho!"

"Well, yeah. Just want to know why you're here at my house. You're crushing my azaleas."

"Stick your gangrened mojo up your powder puff, princess! You're in for a rowdy rough ride! Hohohoho! Hohohoho!" He began river dancing on the lawn, and they had to avoid his swinging tail.

"Just get inside, Dad. We need to let the other Godzillas know about this."

Walking into the living room, they noticed the group had a movie on, popcorn, chips and other junk food littered the area, and the TV's screen looked like it was set on its highest bright setting. "Hey, guys, can you pause the movie?" Minilla asked just to get his face sprayed with crumbs by a shushing Orga.

"See, this is why you can't enjoy a good movie anymore!" he grumbled. "Jackasses are always interrupting your viewing everywhere you go!"

"Orga, you've been coming over uninvited to watch a movie for weeks now!" Godzilla groaned.

"My cable provider hasn't gotten back to me yet, and I _need_ it to make my Orga Reviews so I can pay the bills! Fucking asshole."

"Crash over at Rodan's place, then!"

He chortled. "Dude, have you _seen_ their couch? And I'm not the one who broke it this time!"

All of the alternate Godzilla versions shushed them. "Ugh, why do we _always_ get interrupted by jackasses at the best parts?" the stout lighter-gray Godzilla growled.

Godzilla Earth lumbered into the living room to announce in his booming gravelly voice, "WELL, WE RAN OUT OF THEM LEMONY-SCENTED GOODNESS WIPES AGAIN. DID I MISS ANY BOOBIES ON THE CABLE?"

Minilla snatched the remote to pause the film, ignoring the protests from the others. "Guys, my dad has something important to say."

"Unless he won a million-billion dollars, forget it," Alternate Future Godzilla scoffed.

Godzilla stepped forward, now somber once again. "Everyone, this might be the last time to be me as I am now."

They silently gave him weird looks.

"I know this is hard to believe, but... I'm a werehuman."

"Nothing shocks us anymore," the tiny Godzilla said. Orga almost choked on a chip laughing.

"I was bitten by a human this afternoon, and that means I'm going to be a human by the morning. I'll still come around when it's nighttime, but I'm not going to be head of the household much anymore if I can't be king of the monsters." He turned to his son. "So Minilla, my boy... I'm giving you the keys to the castle. It's been a long time coming, but you deserve it, my son."

Although he was certain the "werehuman" wasn't what it seemed to be, he couldn't help hanging his head in reverence. "Dad, I'm honored..."

"OHHH BOY, I CAN _FINALLY_ HAVE MYSELF A 'M.A.S.H.' MARATHON BUDDY TO WATCH WITH!" Earth exclaimed happily, his jagged smile crinkling his eyes. "YOU BEST NOT FORGET, YOU HEAR?"

"I call your room," Future Godzilla said, raising his hand.

"Damn it, _I_ wanted his room!" Big Daddy G roared.

"Should've called faster."

"Guys, I'm not _relinquishing_ the house just yet!" Godzilla insisted. "I'm still going to be living here until I can find myself a human apartment!"

"Uh... yeah, I knew that. But I'm still going to call it."

Turning to Little Godzilla and Baby Godzilla who were sleepy on their feet, the king of the monsters spread his arms out for a hug. "Come here, kids. I just need to tell you I'm proud of you, and wish you well as you grow up."

The babies stared at him, then babbled something about him smelling like beer and incense.

"So Godzilla Prime, what're you going to do for the rest of your kaiju day?" another Godzilla asked, orange eyes narrowing like he wasn't taking the news seriously.

Thinking back to whatever bucket list he may have had in mind, he hemmed and folded his arms a bit. "Really good question. Let me think about it after lunch. Also get the fuck out of my house, Orga," he added to the alien.

"Alright, alright, sheesh," he huffed, stepping outside only to get tackled by Titanosaurus.

Everyone gathered around the table as he munched on an egg salad sandwich and sucked down some cola. Minilla was cooking up another egg for his father and himself, inwardly consulting with the Hand for guidance while also thanking the Hand for handling the skillet in his place. As Godzilla Prime counted his alternate selves surrounding him in his head, a thought struck him like a lightning bolt out of the blue.

"Hey, Minilla, do you remember what I did with the bible audiobook?" he wondered as he finished his drink.

He turned away from the stove. "What's this sudden interest in the human concept of religion, Dad?"

"If I'm going to be a werehuman, I figured I might as well pretend I know what I'm talking about when debating around the water cooler. Also Larry King just soothes the eardrums just right. I think that's part of what comes with the Jewish package, kinda like how King Ghidorah used to speak."

Minilla wanted to roll his eyes to the ceiling as his father scarfed down the rest of his food. "Yeah, you're going to fit right in with the humans."

"DID SOMEONE SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THE CHEWS?" Godzilla Earth queried, his hearing failing him again.

"No, it's _Jews_ ," Big Daddy G corrected.

" _WOAHHH_ , YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL ABOUT THEM CHEWS. ONE TIME, I WOKE UP WITH A MOUTH SORE BECAUSE I SLEPT WITH MY MAW OPEN, AND THOSE DAMN PESTS CRAWLED INSIDE TO NEST BETWEEN MY GUMS."

"Actually, I'm going to check to see if it's on Audible." Godzilla fished out an iPod for a look.

"If you're so sure about it, Dad, I can check storage for you," his son offered.

"That's okay, better safe than sorry. Ah, here it is—ohhhh man, it's the big James E. Jones! Now _that's_ a real king! Is it free?" He did a quick scan and then tossed down the iPod. "Forty bucks?! Goddamn it, I might as well just read the _actual_ book, and I don't have the time nor ability to read and do stuff all at once!"

With a sigh, Minilla went to go scour the boxes for any trace of the audiobook. It wasn't that he _didn't_ care what his father would do, but he didn't feel it was going to do or change anything. Besides, he felt like he saw something like this on TV and it felt like a cheap, quick gimmick to avoid actual conflict.

When he found the box with the CDs still unopened inside, he wondered what was even the point, and secretly hoped the CD player was unplayable so his father could actually get off his tail and _do_ something—

"Oh, you found it, son?" Godzilla said from behind, looking over his shoulder. "Wow, I completely forgot about this—oh, hey, that's the same one I was looking at on Audible! Oh sweet, you saved me forty bucks, Minilla!"

He hesitantly handed them over. "Yeah... you're welcome, Dad."

Godzilla put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry, boy. I'm still going to be around, even if I'm an ugly hairless ape."

He harumphed to himself, smirking slightly. "You sure change your mind pretty quick."

"Well, you got to keep an open mind, you know. Okay, how do you work this thing, again?"

Getting it strapped (somehow) on his waist and the headphones plugged into the jack, he snapped on the first disc. "I'm heading out."

"Where to, Dad?"

"I've got things to do, places to go, people to see. All that jazz. Byeeeee!" He left the house, leaving Minilla to stare forlornly after him at the window.

" _Finally_ , we can start where we left off!" Future Godzilla sighed, plopped back down on the couch. "Minilla, can you make some more popcorn for us?"

*~*~*

Godzilla lost himself to the sultry, booming voice of James Earl Jones' narration (he'll have to play catch up on the Old Testament some other time), letting the words flow through him as he traveled the land. He never took off his headset when he tried new foods, explored a new cave or lakeside, attempted bungee jumping, even when stopping to have a chat with other kaijus, nodding along in all the right places and saying the right things while his thoughts remained on the narrator. Something-something about parables and healing of the sick, but it was like Mufasa was there in the clouds telling him all of this. It was quite heavenly and took his mind off of the throb in his tail from where the human had bit him. It was more annoying having to change the discs because it took him out of cloud nine, and apparently Minilla had the proper foresight to have snuck him some extra batteries, but that was all the motivation he needed to keep going well into the night.

Luckily, in the middle of Paul's epistles (he liked how James would say "Paul"), he made it back home in time for everyone to be in bed for him to not be bothered, and he snuck by Godzilla Earth snoozing in front of the TV to sit in front of a window that faced east. He wanted to be able to have the morning sun rest on him as he lounged in a chair, and make himself comfortable for the transformation. It shouldn't hurt, for all he knew, should be over in a "twinkling of the eye" as the good book said through the voice of Darth Vader. Something about eye twinkles was romantic and peaceful enough to yield to his fate.

 _Being a human shouldn't be all **that** bad,_ he reiterated tiredly to himself for what had to be the umpteenth time that day. _You're only like an office slave for only eight hours. That's not **too** bad. You have sixteen **other** hours of the day to just be yourself. Just have to grin and bear it, and I'm pretty good at grinning, if I must say so myself. Yeah, shouldn't be all that different from what I do now. Probably have to cut back on my alcohol intake. Humans can't handle the same alcohol **we** can. Should start trying out this wine, I guess. All this talk about wine's been making me thirsty._

Godzilla tried to wriggle out of his chair to go get himself a glass of whatever, but his muscles were protesting too much, and he went limp. _Oh well, that can wait. Man, I hope the others don't freak out when they see me, if they can still recognize me._

The deep voice rumbled in his ears, " _'Let him know, that he which converteth the sinner from the error of his way shall save a soul from death, and shall hide a multitude of sins.'_ "

"Yeah, you tell 'em, Mr. Jones," Godzilla mumbled through a yawn. "You tell 'em..." And he dozed off right as this Peter part of the audiotape began at the three o'clock hour.

*~*~*

The babies were the first to get up and climb out of their cribs. They typically always were the first to greet the new day, it was the only time where they were free to do what they pleased before the grown-ups came to stop them. They put their all into their adventures.

As they waddled out into the living room where the TV was still blasting an informercial in front of a sleeping Earth, they went to enter the kitchen when they noticed a familiar shadow cast across the floor. "Daddy?" Baby Godzilla mumbled, and they looked at the silhouette facing the window. The sun was coming up, and the kaiju was immobile in the chair, arms hung down at his sides. The spindly rays looked like a halo about him, feathering his outlines.

They stared for a bit longer, unsure when their father had come back and what he was doing staring directly into the light, but they decided to let him be. Gesturing to each other, they left the room to go back upstairs. They can play some games up in their room, or find a way to climb out of their window.

It wasn't for another hour before Minilla got out of his room. As his father wasn't in his bedroom, he was hesitant to go downstairs to see what had become of him. A part of him was still unsure if the werehuman was even real to begin with, but Godzilla had looked too serious to have been pulling his leg. He figured before he'd search for him that he'd wait for his visitor to arrive.

Quietly so as to not disturb Godzilla Earth, he stepped out onto the porch in time to see Gamera and Anguirus making their way up the cobbled path. "Thank Blundergosh you're here," he said in a whisper.

"For the record, I'm just here to witness it with my own two eyes," the turtle said a little gruffly. "This is a touchy subject for me, but I think Godzilla would appreciate my being here."

"He's going to need all the support he can get," Anguirus said, a little melancholic. "Like the Hand, we must reach out to him in his time of need."

"So is he here?"

Minilla cricked his neck a little. "I think so, but I just got out myself. Everyone's still in their rooms, so..."

"Let's search around the premises first," the dinosaur suggested. "He may be too ashamed to show his face but still wants to be in the comfort of his home."

"You should go in front of me so I don't punch his face when I see him," Gamera said, flexing his jaw. "I'm _sorry_ , this is just pissing me off."

Putting his paw on his arm, Anguirus gave a nod and started off for the yard. Carefully on tiptoe, they followed and looked around where they think a radioactive lizard—or a human—would hide in. They ruled out underneath the house for the time being, that was to be the last hiding place to check if they can't find him anywhere else. Glancing in the kitchen windows, Minilla was surprised to find it empty, since usually the babies were in there in the mornings.

"First clue: He's here, or has been here," he announced to his companions.

"Alright, keep searching," Anguirus said, still going on ahead. "Can't peek inside the windows for the life of me..."

Shielding their eyes from the sunlight, they turned to the window and through the glare saw a chair was in front of it, and it was occupied. Cupping their hands to their eyes, Minilla and Gamera peeked in, and the actor thought he could hear a molar crack from gritting his teeth to silence a snarl.

Snoring in the chair, head lolled back and drool on his chin, Godzilla was in a deep sleep, scales and all. The headphones had slipped and looked bent from the angle, but only the Chosen One noted that detail he had that audiobook on all night. Maybe it was a source of comfort for him, but he looked _way_ too relaxed for someone who was _absolutely certain_ he was a werehuman.

"Well? What do you see?" Anguirus asked, looking back-and-forth between them.

"False alarm," Minilla decided to say, sounding a little relieved.

"No it fucking isn't!" Gamera shouted, startling the two of them. "The jackass took it _too_ far!"

"Is he in there, or...?"

"That piece of shit believed in his own lies, and he has the _gall_ to sleep like a slob! _God,_ now I wish he _was_ a human so I could crush him!"

Anguirus tilted his head. "This is a bad thing, _why_?"

Pulling back, Minilla just shrugged. "In all fairness, he's quite human enough, so he wouldn't have been much different. I'd just hate to see him as an _actual_ human."

"He'd be one ugly son of a bitch, that's for sure," Gamera huffed. "Ugh, screw this, I'm going home to sleep. I spent all night meditating for his sake. What a waste of energy..."

"What if your prayers were answered?" the seer suggested, hoping to cull his anger.

"I was meditating for his _human_ self. What a waste." And he sulked off, leaving the two shrugging and letting out rough sighs.

Godzilla's breath caught mid-snore, and he smacked his lips, but didn't budge from his chair. "...May the Force be wi'you, Jonesss..."

*~*~*

"Orga's in the house!" the alien announced, grinning smugly while swirling around a half-empty glass of iced tea. "Well, that was a letdown of a disaster. Given the weird format of this 'fan fiction', I guess the mailbag's been replaced with this 'author's notes' instead. Man, what's up with that? If it's over, just end it, no need to make people read _more_. Besides, it sounds stupid for fan fiction writers to get _fan_ -mail.

"Who does that, anyway? And with such messages like 'When is the next chapter of _Forsaken_ coming out?' Like what's up with _that_?" Orga narrowed his eyes in confusion. "What _is_ that, anyway? Sounds like it'd make for a cool 'God of War' or 'Dead Space' fic. Whatever. Hey, kid! You, the one writing this crap!"

The author's small hands stopped moving on the keyboard as Orga peered at her through the screen. "Who're you calling 'kid'?" she warned in an unfortunate high voice.

"Yeah, why're you doing this? Don't you have better things to do with your time like schoolwork or something?" Then he chuckled nervously. "Oh, wait, that joke's gonna age like Madonna if I go any further, and that's _already_ embarrassing!"

The author's hands went palms-up in befuddlement. "Okay...?"

"Stay safe out there, anyway."

"Yeah... thanks—is that why you've hijacked my end notes?"

Orga shrugged. "Well yeah, I have nothing better to do, either! How long were you working on this, anyhow? Did the winning team even go to the concert, or what?"

"...Yeeeeaaa—I guess..."

"You're just making shit up, aren't you? You think you're so 'ha ha' funny, don't you?"

A back-and-forth uncomfortable stare ensued for the next moment while Orga finished off the rest of his drink.

"This is awkward!" he then broke the ice while crunching on an ice cube.

"You're telling me," the author grumbled, insulted.

"Hey, how're you typing this ou


End file.
